We are never ready for death. It is always a shock. Always. Even when it is inevitable due to a terminal condition, the final moment is still a jolt. So you can imagine just how bad it is when it snatches someone you love just like that. Just like that. One minute to the next. No warning, no sign, no avoidance. It sucks. It’s crap. But it happens anyway.

One of my friends passed away yesterday. Just read about it 40 minutes ago and am still in shock. I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. She can’t be gone yet, not yet. If I feel this bad, what about her family? Her other friends? Right now there’s a ripple of disbelief going through our circle.

Why do we have death? Why do our loved ones die? My sister says it’s because man is appointed to do so, but that we draw solace from those we have left with us. Comforting yes, but it doesn’t erase the pain. Nothing can. I guess all you can do is try to ease it and hope for the best.

Rest in eternal peace, my friend. You were taken from us far too soon. We love you. We miss you. You will always be remembered and celebrated. Always.

“It’s kinda hard to miss how people flock around you, vying for your attention, your praise, the opportunity to satisfy your every whim. Everyone wants a piece of you, yeah? It’s pretty cool actually. I mean you must feel like the bees knees and all that good stuff, which is fine and totally understandable.

Seriously, I get it. I really do. Just amazes me why you act out around me so much. What about me? Why do you begrudge me the same thing? Why is it that it bothers you to see me trying to live my dreams and find my own path? You already have so much and I never try to take any of it away from you, so if you could explain to me why it irritates you to see me happy, I’d truly appreciate it.

Sure you say it’s great and you’re absolutely thrilled I’m going after what I want, but you don’t really mean any of it do you? You never smile with your eyes when you look at me. There are always hard lines etched on your face when you hear of my success. I’m like I’m not even a threat to you so it doesn’t make any sense why you think my joy should be a privilege instead of a right. That’s not the standard you hold yourself to and it’s definitely not how you think about other people. Just me. Only me. Why is that? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?”

I have waited. And waited some more. All this time spent willing you to recognise the truth, sending you signs to open your eyes to what’s right in front of you. But you won’t listen, won’t see, won’t act. My fingers have grown numb from holding fast for so long; my heart is weary of the pain and the strain I live every day. Every single day.

This cannot continue. All the love I have to give is going to waste and it’s not fair. It’s not fair. You seem happy without me, seem content and uninterested in my welfare. I guess I’m the only one expecting more from us. What happened? We used to be so close, so connected, so in sync. Now we’re just … ships passing by in the night. Our time is over, isn’t it? It’s OK, you can tell me. I’ll understand. I won’t hound you or cling for dear life; I’ll simply nod and leave you in peace.

But I must know the truth. I must be free of these chains and shed this burden, now and forever. I am not asking you to feel what’s not real; I am only asking you to show me what you do feel. We’ve known each other too long for you to fob me off with empty words and feeble excuses. Be bold; speak your truth, take a stand, banish the uncertainty. I already have. When will you?

My blog turned one at midnight. One whole year! Incredible. Didn’t think it’d last this long, started out as a lark and evolved over time into something deeper. My original plan was to reread all my posts from first to most recent and reflect on the material here, but I think I’ll save that for another day. I mean, 56 posts in one sitting? I don’t think so.

Happy Birthday, Musings! This is where a philosophical anecdote or quote would come in handy. You know, something about the intricacies of thought and reasoning and the search for truth. Well, I’ve given it a few minutes but nothing original seems forthcoming. Until next time, then. Stay safe, friends.