What up, y’all. It’s been a while since I just came on here and poured my heart out. Taking a break from changing your self-talk to let you know that I’m tired. I’m so tired of pushing and striving and trying to make things happen. Somehow I always seem to scrape the bottom of my well before I realise I’ve run dry.
If you’ve been reading me for a while, you’ll remember I went on hiatus from December 8, 2012 to March 8, 2013. I was in a bad place and just needed the time to breathe, to heal, to refocus and rejuvenate.
Well, that time is upon me again.
When I had my breakthrough last March, I could’ve sworn that was the last I’d seen of the depression and PTSD. Anxiety over new and challenging things? So last season, dahling.
Yet here I sit, skittering out of my skin and burying my nose in books to keep me sane. So much has changed. So little has changed. So many things to sort and unravel.
I find myself asking, “What’s the point of it all?”, and I know I’m dangerously close to giving up.
It’s hard to succeed when you keep comparing yourself to others. It’s hard to succeed when everything you do depends on how well and how hard you can bootstrap. I can’t even begin to tell you how weary I am of the struggle to make it, to carve my name in bone, to know that I’m making a solid contribution to my world. I’m just . . . empty.
Mostly I think I’m caught up in my idea of how it should be even though I keep trying to resolve myself to how it really is. Everyone has their own thing going on and there’s a whooole lotta noise online. How can I be sure I’m getting through the noise? I can’t, and that uncertainty is killing me.
I think I just need the time to unplug and clear my head of all the shoulds flitting around in my skull. Spending a lot more time on meditation ought to do me good. I can’t seem to engage with my people from a pure place, and I don’t wanna add to the negative energy already swirling in our world. Let’s be beacons of light and positivity, shall we?
I’m heading offline for the next 6 weeks until March 1st. It’s going to be a time of deep reflection and renewal for me. I need to find my way back to my purpose and rediscover the joy in everyday things. Basically, I need to get back to the simplicity of doing what I love without yearning for external validation. Everything I look for outside me already lays within me if I’m patient enough to search.
I feel I’ve been teetering on the edge for too long and I have to save myself before I crash and burn. I also want to give myself the chance to remember why I love blogging and connecting with like-minded souls. Somehow I’ve lost sight of that in the search of metrics and numbers and all sorts of data.
My mind’s screaming with the things people say I “should” do, and I realise I’ve lost sight of what I truly want to do. I can’t live like that anymore.
I embark on a digital hiatus yet again, and I hope to emerge bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I pop out of hibernation. I’m going dark everywhere, so I won’t respond to comments or emails until my return.
Save another dance for me, won’t you? See you then.
Shine bright, friends.