Why I’m Going On Hiatus . . . Again

What up, y’all. It’s been a while since I just came on here and poured my heart out. Taking a break from changing your self-talk to let you know that I’m tired. I’m so tired of pushing and striving and trying to make things happen. Somehow I always seem to scrape the bottom of my well before I realise I’ve run dry. 

If you’ve been reading me for a while, you’ll remember I went on hiatus from December 8, 2012 to March 8, 2013. I was in a bad place and just needed the time to breathe, to heal, to refocus and rejuvenate.

Well, that time is upon me again.

When I had my breakthrough last March, I could’ve sworn that was the last I’d seen of the depression and PTSD. Anxiety over new and challenging things? So last season, dahling.

Yet here I sit, skittering out of my skin and burying my nose in books to keep me sane. So much has changed. So little has changed. So many things to sort and unravel.

I find myself asking, “What’s the point of it all?”, and I know I’m dangerously close to giving up. 

It’s hard to succeed when you keep comparing yourself to others. It’s hard to succeed when everything you do depends on how well and how hard you can bootstrap. I can’t even begin to tell you how weary I am of the struggle to make it, to carve my name in bone, to know that I’m making a solid contribution to my world. I’m just . . . empty.

Mostly I think I’m caught up in my idea of how it should be even though I keep trying to resolve myself to how it really is. Everyone has their own thing going on and there’s a whooole lotta noise online. How can I be sure I’m getting through the noise? I can’t, and that uncertainty is killing me.

I think I just need the time to unplug and clear my head of all the shoulds flitting around in my skull. Spending a lot more time on meditation ought to do me good. I can’t seem to engage with my people from a pure place, and I don’t wanna add to the negative energy already swirling in our world. Let’s be beacons of light and positivity, shall we?

I’m heading offline for the next 6 weeks until March 1st. It’s going to be a time of deep reflection and renewal for me. I need to find my way back to my purpose and rediscover the joy in everyday things. Basically, I need to get back to the simplicity of doing what I love without yearning for external validation. Everything I look for outside me already lays within me if I’m patient enough to search.

I feel I’ve been teetering on the edge for too long and I have to save myself before I crash and burn. I also want to give myself the chance to remember why I love blogging and connecting with like-minded souls. Somehow I’ve lost sight of that in the search of metrics and numbers and all sorts of data.

My mind’s screaming with the things people say I “should” do, and I realise I’ve lost sight of what I truly want to do. I can’t live like that anymore.

I embark on a digital hiatus yet again, and I hope to emerge bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I pop out of hibernation. I’m going dark everywhere, so I won’t respond to comments or emails until my return.

Save another dance for me, won’t you? :) See you then.

Shine bright, friends.

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  1. There is much love for you from across the pond Mami. I hope this break does you loads of good. When you get really clear on what you want to do and where you want to go, stay focused there and committed too. Forget the stats and numbers, that could be discouraging. With time you will find your flow. Good luck

  2. Good for you, Otiti. It does lie within all of us. Seeking external validation has only ever caused me pain. I think that breaks and reflection are great. Just take care of you. If you’re like me, do your best to get out of your own head for a bit. Mine is sometimes a scary place to be. 😉

    • Tammy! You got that right. The head can be one scary motherfucker, LOL. I’ve found the peace I was searching for, though, so the agony was worth it. :)

  3. I hope you find what you are looking for…. just remember, what you seek is and always has been inside of you. even now when you feel all on the fritz, it is there. Your answers are there, but maybe it is the questions that are wrong. I have wondered tis very thing. Are we asking ourselves the right questions? We get frustrated and think that we are sinking again after doing so well…. and we can’t think of anything really that has changed to make things worse, that would make them like they were before. Yet, we have a feeling that we aren’t enough. So maybe we aren’t asking the right questions….or the ones we thought we had asked ourselves weren’t the right ones for us… giving us a false sense of security. setting us up to fall. ??? sometimes we often think that we “should be” or ought to be on a certain path because this is what we think is best. It is what we want to do. But is it truly right for us? is it a good FIT for us? WHY are we doing it? If we do something that requires us to stay at home is it because we don’t want to be around people? and why would that be? what fears aren’t we facing? what are we avoiding? Could there be something we aren’t telling ourselves? Do we work in an office? Do we truly like it? what ever it is, explore the what and why’s… make sure you are currently asking yourself the RIGHT questions to the answers that are already inside of you. You know what your heart and soul wants…. now, you have to figure out the BEST way to accomplish that. one that will work for the rest of your life to make you completely and thoroughly happy. Not partially happy.

    just something to think about while you think… love you

    • Thanks, Karen. It’s not that I wasn’t asking the right questions; more like I’d outgrown what I thought I wanted and needed to recaliberate. The time off was great for clearing my head and getting a better sense of where I wanted to be. Love you too. :)

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