I’ve been away for 3 1/2 months.
You see, I have this thing where I want to be useful. If I feel like something has no value, I don’t post it and I don’t email it.
But what happens when I scrunch up tight because things don’t go EXACTLY how I plan them?
An unofficial hiatus, that’s what.
See, I know I have to be consistent, and I know I have to give my readers a reason to care enough to come back week after week. Heck, I’m embarrassed I haven’t written many more posts since I first started blogging 5 years ago.
How can I be sure I’m doing the right thing when feedback is sparse and I’m cringing from lack of engagement?
I know it’s a validation thing, but it’s still stuck in my craw. I want to be a focal point for my tribe, goddammit! What am I doing wrong?
Everything, it seems.
I have no barriers left. No thick skin to bluff my way through the pain. I KNOW commenters are like gold dust these days, and I KNOW depending on them is just an excuse not to write regularly, but really? Do I really know these things, or do I just think I know them? Am I making excuses for other people, or am I making excuses for myself?
At what point do you decide to ignore “vanity metrics” and just do the work you’re here to do?
When you decide you’ve had enough of second-guessing and you’re ready to do things your way.
Part of the stuckness came from not knowing what to write.
Did I want to continue taking a stand for those who suffer depression and anxiety?
Did I want to give advice to new entrepreneurs and share my stories from the trenches?
Did I want to write about self-love and the importance of taming negative self-talk?
WTF did I want to do?
It’s taken me 3 1/2 months to come up with the answer I’ve always known: I don’t want to write about anything I have to label. I just want to write about life seen through my lens.
I can admit that out loud now: I just want to write about life seen through my lens.
It’s not really about making this a journal or an online diary, or even just having the pleasure of seeing my words in black and white.
It’s about thinking out loud and making a difference in your journey as I share the truths about mine.
If I interest you enough to keep you coming back, then my work is done. You may never Tweet me, comment, or even acknowledge my presence in any other way, but if something shifts in your heart because of something I’ve said, then I have a reason to keep going.
And most importantly, if I believe in my work enough to give it a chance to stand on its own two feet, then I’ll really be walking my talk. It’s all about unleashing your bold and accepting what you crave, people.
I crave deep conversations. Philosophical musings. Lightbulb moments where you suddenly get it and life’s like a sweet symphony of coincidences and serendipity. Shit that actually matters and leaves you better than you were before you read it.
I don’t know if I’ve managed to do that with all my previous posts, but I’m damn well going to try with all my future ones from now on. It’s the only way to stay true to my heart and share the jewels I know are in there somewhere.
Does this mean I’ll write about a little bit of everything? Not particularly. I just plan to write in broad strokes that paint a picture of everything I learn through my personal development projects.
Showing up to do the work means learning as much as I can so I have a launchpad to fly from.
And yes, sometimes I’ll add journal entries in here because I think they have something relevant to add to the conversation. Maybe they do and maybe they don’t, but I’ll never know for sure if they remain unseen by anyone else.
From today’s journal entry:
“I want to write about all I’m learning and the steps I’m taking to expand my consciousness. I feel like it’s valuable information that needs to be shared because it’s part of my journey and will be useful to somebody. I’m weaving bright colours into the tapestry of my life and I want to share that picture with others.
Believing I have something important to say is the way to revive my enthusiasm for my blog and other forms of social media. I feel the urge to blog this week, and I want to write something powerful that comes from the heart to bless and heal my readers.
I want to sprinkle holy water on their foreheads and burn away the impurities that keep them from shining. I want to spark their fire and get them revved up to take daily inspired action.
Does that mean I want to write every day? No, but it does mean I want to be a constant presence that dares them to reach higher than they ever thought they could.
I want to write about creativity, consciousness, personal development, and entrepreneurship [wait, I thought I said no labels!]. I want to dive deep into what it really takes to succeed and how you can do it differently if you so choose.
I want to write about my experiments and how I’m changing as a result, and how my newly reawakened spirituality has drawn me closer to God and made me a happier person.
I’m not saying any of the above to change anybody. I’m simply sharing the truth of my journey so it can inspire you to discover what’s true for you on your own journey. I’m simply sharing what’s possible so you see you don’t have to be alone and you don’t have to be afraid.
I want to write inspired blog posts that light a fire under your ass and get you to begin now, now, and shake shit up in the process.
I want to be genuine, transparent, and useful.
I want to hurl lightning bolts that light up the sky and set your soul on fire.
I want to inspire you to live deeper, truer, and fiercer than ever before.
I want to awaken the stars in your eyes and the magic in your soul.
I want to show you the doorway to miracles.
And in order to do all this, I have to take the first step. I have to put myself out here and trust that what I have to say has value.
When I find myself doubting my experience, I am being human. When I find myself trusting in the power of what I have to say, I am being the Divine within.
The oscillation between Divine and human is the backdrop of my life, the soundtrack to every success and every failure that litters my path. I am either trampled by my humanity or lifted by the Divine.
When I am trampled, I am the car crash of fear, anxiety, doubt, and shame. When I am lifted, I am buoyed by love, joy, courage, and power.
The goal, then, is to be lifted above the trampling demons that threaten to overwhelm me when I’m merely being human.
“But where are the angels of humanity?” I hear you ask.
They’re my portal to the Divine, my fire bursts when I’m cold and empty. They remind me of my divinity and show me the doorway to daily miracles.
So really, I’m writing about my journey because I invite you on a journey of your own: the path back to the wonder of your spiritual self.
Drop the baggage. Burn the fear. Hoist your sails and open your wings. Now is the time to soar far into the horizon, where your dreams and miracles await. Now is the time to act on your wildest dreams.”
Different from the usual, eh? I have no idea how it’s going to pan out but I’m game to go along for the ride anyway.
I hope you’ll stick around to explore with me.