Where I’ve Been and Where I’m Going

 

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I’ve been away for 3 1/2 months. 

You see, I have this thing where I want to be useful. If I feel like something has no value, I don’t post it and I don’t email it.

But what happens when I scrunch up tight because things don’t go EXACTLY how I plan them?

An unofficial hiatus, that’s what.

See, I know I have to be consistent, and I know I have to give my readers a reason to care enough to come back week after week. Heck, I’m embarrassed I haven’t written many more posts since I first started blogging 5 years ago.

How can I be sure I’m doing the right thing when feedback is sparse and I’m cringing from lack of engagement?

I know it’s a validation thing, but it’s still stuck in my craw. I want to be a focal point for my tribe, goddammit! What am I doing wrong?

Everything, it seems.

I have no barriers left. No thick skin to bluff my way through the pain. I KNOW commenters are like gold dust these days, and I KNOW depending on them is just an excuse not to write regularly, but really? Do I really know these things, or do I just think I know them? Am I making excuses for other people, or am I making excuses for myself?

At what point do you decide to ignore “vanity metrics” and just do the work you’re here to do?

When you decide you’ve had enough of second-guessing and you’re ready to do things your way.

Part of the stuckness came from not knowing what to write.

Did I want to continue taking a stand for those who suffer depression and anxiety?

Did I want to give advice to new entrepreneurs and share my stories from the trenches?

Did I want to write about self-love and the importance of taming negative self-talk?

WTF did I want to do?

It’s taken me 3 1/2 months to come up with the answer I’ve always known: I don’t want to write about anything I have to label. I just want to write about life seen through my lens.

I can admit that out loud now: I just want to write about life seen through my lens.

It’s not really about making this a journal or an online diary, or even just having the pleasure of seeing my words in black and white.

It’s about thinking out loud and making a difference in your journey as I share the truths about mine.

If I interest you enough to keep you coming back, then my work is done. You may never Tweet me, comment, or even acknowledge my presence in any other way, but if something shifts in your heart because of something I’ve said, then I have a reason to keep going.

And most importantly, if I believe in my work enough to give it a chance to stand on its own two feet, then I’ll really be walking my talk. It’s all about unleashing your bold and accepting what you crave, people.

I crave deep conversations. Philosophical musings. Lightbulb moments where you suddenly get it and life’s like a sweet symphony of coincidences and serendipity. Shit that actually matters and leaves you better than you were before you read it.

I don’t know if I’ve managed to do that with all my previous posts, but I’m damn well going to try with all my future ones from now on. It’s the only way to stay true to my heart and share the jewels I know are in there somewhere.

Does this mean I’ll write about a little bit of everything? Not particularly. I just plan to write in broad strokes that paint a picture of everything I learn through my personal development projects.

Showing up to do the work means learning as much as I can so I have a launchpad to fly from. 

And yes, sometimes I’ll add journal entries in here because I think they have something relevant to add to the conversation. Maybe they do and maybe they don’t, but I’ll never know for sure if they remain unseen by anyone else.

From today’s journal entry:

“I want to write about all I’m learning and the steps I’m taking to expand my consciousness. I feel like it’s valuable information that needs to be shared because it’s part of my journey and will be useful to somebody. I’m weaving bright colours into the tapestry of my life and I want to share that picture with others.

Believing I have something important to say is the way to revive my enthusiasm for my blog and other forms of social media. I feel the urge to blog this week, and I want to write something powerful that comes from the heart to bless and heal my readers.

I want to sprinkle holy water on their foreheads and burn away the impurities that keep them from shining. I want to spark their fire and get them revved up to take daily inspired action.

Does that mean I want to write every day? No, but it does mean I want to be a constant presence that dares them to reach higher than they ever thought they could.

I want to write about creativity, consciousness, personal development, and entrepreneurship [wait, I thought I said no labels!]. I want to dive deep into what it really takes to succeed and how you can do it differently if you so choose.

I want to write about my experiments and how I’m changing as a result, and how my newly reawakened spirituality has drawn me closer to God and made me a happier person.

I’m not saying any of the above to change anybody. I’m simply sharing the truth of my journey so it can inspire you to discover what’s true for you on your own journey. I’m simply sharing what’s possible so you see you don’t have to be alone and you don’t have to be afraid.

I want to write inspired blog posts that light a fire under your ass and get you to begin now, now, and shake shit up in the process.

I want to be genuine, transparent, and useful.

I want to hurl lightning bolts that light up the sky and set your soul on fire.

I want to inspire you to live deeper, truer, and fiercer than ever before.

I want to awaken the stars in your eyes and the magic in your soul.

I want to show you the doorway to miracles.

And in order to do all this, I have to take the first step. I have to put myself out here and trust that what I have to say has value.

When I find myself doubting my experience, I am being human. When I find myself trusting in the power of what I have to say, I am being the Divine within.

The oscillation between Divine and human is the backdrop of my life, the soundtrack to every success and every failure that litters my path. I am either trampled by my humanity or lifted by the Divine.

When I am trampled, I am the car crash of fear, anxiety, doubt, and shame. When I am lifted, I am buoyed by love, joy, courage, and power.

The goal, then, is to be lifted above the trampling demons that threaten to overwhelm me when I’m merely being human.

“But where are the angels of humanity?” I hear you ask.

They’re my portal to the Divine, my fire bursts when I’m cold and empty. They remind me of my divinity and show me the doorway to daily miracles.

So really, I’m writing about my journey because I invite you on a journey of your own: the path back to the wonder of your spiritual self.

Drop the baggage. Burn the fear. Hoist your sails and open your wings. Now is the time to soar far into the horizon, where your dreams and miracles await. Now is the time to act on your wildest dreams.”

Different from the usual, eh? I have no idea how it’s going to pan out but I’m game to go along for the ride anyway.

I hope you’ll stick around to explore with me. :)

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Comments

  1. Welcome back Mami… Looking. Forward to seeing your journey and life unfold :)

  2. I love it. Your voice is authentic and I hear myself in you….that’s probably why I keep coming back. No matter what you write, I’m down.

    • Thanks, Jennifer! I guess I just need to give myself the room to express what I have inside and trust there’s a need for it. Thanks for being here. :)

  3. So glad you are back and I am looking forward to more posts. I know how you feel…my blog gets very few comments and it makes me wonder if I should even keep trying, but I go on anyway, when my anxiety and depression allow me too :)
    Keep writing Otiti. You have a gift and I have found much comfort on your site. A big hug your way!

    • Sheila! :D How are ya, love? Thanks so much for welcoming me back. I feel the love. ;) Beaming huge hugs back at ya! :D And I’m so glad you’ve found solace here. Whoop whoop.

  4. Hugs girl. We’ve been missing you!

  5. You are a great writer. Humanity needs to hear more about the light that can emerge from a period of darkness in our lives; more about the restoration that can occur; more about the emergence of a beautiful soul and less about a hopeless/helpless darkness (as the media has been perpetuating on the death of Robin Williams). I don’t watch TV in general but I won’t even read about his death because of the manner in which I have seen the media covering his death.We need beacons of light, of hope. We need stories of restoration. We need to hear more from people who have emerged victorious from a time of darkness and how they did it. We need more people to honest, unafraid and unashamed to tell their stories to build a bridge that others may cross without fear but with renewed hope that they too can do it. Thank you for sharing Otti. Whatever you choose to share will be great because it comes from such a beautiful place of truth.

    • Thank you, Maria. I am honoured that you choose to witness my story. Yes, you’re so right in everything you said. We DO need to remember that light can come from the darkness in our lives if we choose to show up and open up. Thank you for adding to the conversation. :)

  6. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES !!!!!!!!! YES. I love this, and you. Huge.

  7. Hey there girlie girl!!! You look so wonderful in your picture!!! So alive and healthy and HAPPY. So great to see. I have missed you. :) Your words are inspiring, true and hopeful. Honesty comes first of all things. You can not, should not do, think or even write about things that you don’t want to …. meaning “LABELS’… ex… SELF LOVE… how many flipping people out there are writing, blogging about self love.. first off, if is was working ( them writing about it) EVERYONE WOULD LOVE THEMSELVES ALREADY!!! so either, they aren’t blogging or writing it right, or no one is reading it, or people just don’t care, or something is just wrong with that one…. I don’t know. So many things have been OVER written about… too many blogs about. People look through and say, ‘ya ya, heres another’ and blow past it. Now a days, at least for me, I am looking for HONEST, REAL people with experiences LIKE MINE, or similar, who I can relate to… people who maybe have views I haven’t seen or thought of who are in a different place than me… who have found that spirituality I haven’t… or a peace inside or forgiveness I haven’t… or a way to heal wounds, or ways to help depression, anxiety…. fear. BUT I WANT REAL… for these things… I want REAL FEELINGS>.. REAL ANGER FRUSTRATION HATE EVEN… if we can really talk, vent, get it out, fix it… all that other stuff that people in other blogs want to ‘flower power’ to death about self love and pretend all the this other doesn’t exist… THAT STUFF will come in time.. but THIS needs fixed first. Unless we can find ourselves among all this confusion of the hell we call life and sort through it… there wont be self love, self respect, self worth… and all the other… let alone self forgiveness. AND I NEED THOSE, so I need blogs like YOURS THAT ARE REAL.. because you are REAL, HONEST TRUE.. aren’t afraid to put your raw feelings out there, just as I am not… if someone doesn’t like it.. so what. Feelings are what they … people have them.. problems are what they are… people have them… IF people are ashamed of their feelings or their problems… THEN THEY HAVE MORE PROBELMS THEN WE DO..

    I admire you… in everything that you do, in everything that you are. Keep going, keep fighting… your battle has been long, just as mine has… neither is over… may not be for a while… but neither is our will to BEAT IT… we have more fight inside of us than the diseases have to give us. YOU WILL ENDURE AND WIN… as will I…. just know.. I will always be over here.. looking for that ray of sunshine to keep me going.

    I know you have been away for a while… as have I sweet girl.. things have been really bad with me… ( life threatening bad unfortunately.. but Im trying to climb back to health). Bouncing is what I do, right?? :)

    So keep beaming those rays of sunshine… remember that bracelet.. remember friendship is forever no matter distance or how you met… support is support. Love you girl :)

    • Hi, Karen!! Thank you for sharing, for being here, and for your kind words. :) Like I said in my post, I just want to write about life as seen through my lens. I think that’s where the power is. And the fire. I’m glad you’re on this journey with me. Sending so much love. Stay strong.

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