Selling out my first course. Pulling off a killer launch. Connecting with my right people exactly when they need me to. Skipping to the bank with a huge smile on my face.
What a pipe dream.
Nobody told me it’d be this hard.
I knew I’d have to hustle, yes, but I didn’t know I’d leave skin behind every time. I didn’t know I’d put myself out there and feel trampled on with hobnailed boots. I didn’t know I’d give everything I had and find it wasn’t enough.
As you may or may not know, I created The Live Raw, Fiery, & BOLD Academy specifically to help women step into their power and live their dreams. Act on their desires. Give themselves permission to go big + luscious.
Sounds good, right? I thought so too.
I felt called to do it, so I did. Spread the word as often as I could and for a while, everything was just great. I was creating from a pure place and oh, life was sweet.
Nothing was happening. Everyone who read the copy said it was amazing and looked great and they wished me well. But nobody was buying. I bartered with 2 friends and filled those slots, but no one else. A couple people said they’d try to raise money and attend.
And I asked myself, “If it’s so amazing, why isn’t it working?”
Nobody told me it’d be this hard. Nobody told me I’d risk getting my heart broken anew every day.
Would I still have gone ahead if I knew? *Shrug* Maybe.
It’s getting harder and harder to sustain an upbeat mood. Like I just wanna go quiet and hibernate. Feels safer that way. No possibility of failure. No possibility of getting hurt. Staying in my comfort zone and hugging myself tight. No possibility of rejection, for goodness’ sake.
I reached out over the weekend and shared my feelings. Got a lot of love and support, and I felt like I could continue.
But I woke up today with a heavy heart and body. Just like I used to feel when I was sick. Just like I used to feel when I merely existed.
And I ask myself, “Is it really worth it?”
Is it? To give of yourself until you’re empty and you lose your faith? To keep reaching out and feeling like nobody cares or you’re not connecting? To forget why you even started in the first place?
Ordinarily, I’d say yes, it IS worth it. We expand when we’re challenged. We discover reserves of strength when we’re wrung out and ready to throw in the towel. We discover how far we’re really willing to go to get what we want. We discover our true selves.
But today, as I write this from my heart, with tears threatening my eyes, I don’t know. I don’t know if it is worth it. I don’t know if there’s any point in pushing yourself past the disappointment.
Yes, I know that I have the power to choose my reality and choose love over fear. Desire over apathy. Action over lethargy. Joy over sorrow.
But today, I just can’t. I just can’t. Because I’ve wrung myself dry, and I have nothing left to give. Because I’ve sat with the fear and hurt and resistance to even sharing this with anyone, and I can’t believe or behave any different.
Maybe it’s a self-esteem issue. Maybe it’s a struggle with self-love. Maybe I expected other people to validate me and I’m crashing so hard because they didn’t.
I don’t have to qualify or justify how I feel. I don’t have to seek sympathy or be a spectacle because things aren’t going my way.
I only have to be deeply honest, and trust that there’s gotta be something at the end of this dark night of the soul to make it all worth it.
Because honestly? What would be the point if I just suffered without learning anything or growing in some way, right?
I can write affirmations and chant mantras until I’m blue in the face, but if I don’t believe it for real, there’s no point. And I don’t bother with anything that doesn’t have a point.
So right now, today, this is me owning how I feel.
Tired. Heavy. Ready to pack it all in.
This is me showing that even though I write such good stuff on my blog and I’m generally a radiant person, I’ve got my own stuff to deal with every now and then. I’m susceptible to depression, and I often make assumptions that just tear me down.
Sometimes I find myself back in a dark, dark place, and I have to retrace my steps out into the light again. Sometimes no matter how much I share and what other people tell me, it just doesn’t help.
So I’m writing this to let you know that it’s OK to feel lost and alone and afraid. It’s OK to feel like no one hears you or sees you. It’s OK to feel you can’t possibly take another step and you’ll bust a cap in the butt of the next fool who tells you to “think positive”.
It’s OK, because it’s not the end. You’re still here. I’m still here. We can still feel better. We can still work through our emotions and climb higher. We can still make ourselves proud by giving even more than we thought we had to give, and doing it because that’s just who we are.
It’s not about doing stuff for accolades or a fat wallet. To make a name for yourself or become the next online sensation.
It’s about doing your soul work because you believe in what you have to offer. It’s about taking a chance and knowing that even if you fail, you still have the opportunity to do it right and succeed.
Nobody told me it’d be this hard.
Maybe I’d have been better prepared. Maybe I wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe I’d shrug it off as just another experience and get back to work figuring something else out.
Whatever the case, even though I don’t see how right now, I know I’ll be OK. I’m just not there yet, and that’s OK too.
Here’s to the dreamers and doers who keep putting themselves out there no matter what.
May we all be as brave.